No Place Like Home

Random musings on adoption, recovery, and life on life's terms. Enjoy!

Friday, June 23, 2006

My Bmom

There is a bmom on the adoption board that sounds so much like my bmom and I've finally figured out why she triggers me so much. She is very much into "her healing" and "her needs" and what she can and can not face. My bmom was like that.

She fet so much grief and shame over placing me and tried to make up for it once we reunited. Of coarse you can never be "mom" after 27 years but she tried and I let her because i really wanted a mom. The first five years were great because we were several hundred miles apart and only saw each other a couple of times a year. We talked on the phone a lot but it's hard to really know someone just through phone conversations.

After about 5 years into it m DH and I had an opportunity to move to her city for a job opprotunity. We moved four blocks away from her. That was a huge mistake!

We were way to tied up into each others lives and neither one of us knew how to untangle from it. After six months of stress I told DH I wanted to move back to our hometown and we did. The night before I left bmom pretended everything was fine, came over to say good bye. After a perfectly normal 30 minute conversation I told her we would call her when we got back home. Her response was "You might want to think about that" which floored me. She then went on to tell me that she had to take care of herself and that she had given me all that she could. So I said o.k. and asked her to leave.

She not only walked out of my life for a second time, but she walked out on my kids who loved her. She could not overcome her grief, her pain. Just the fact that she saw me on a regular basis was enough to send her over the edge.

It all started to make sense after that. Throughout our relationship I had to constantly tell her that I understood why she placed me and no I did not hate her and yes I loved her very much, etc.

It was a lot of work to maintain that, I wanted to but it was hard. So in a weird kind of way I'm glad it ended. At least we can both be at peace now.

Writing about this stuff is making me pissed again, it's the abandonment, the wondering what the hell is wrong with me....................I suppose that never really goes away.

To top it all off, I am a birthmom. I understand her feelings of shame, I felt them myself. The difference for me was I never hid my child from the world, I celebrated him. Even though it was a closed adoption I did have baby pictures of him that I showed anyone who wanted to see. I never kept the secret, and like they say you are only as sick as the secrets that you keep.


Blogger said...

'Nothing wrong with you at all. Not good that she broke contact, she probably wanted something you just couldn't give or well I don't know. It's not acceptable in my rules to break contact like that.

adding you to my links.

1:14 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home