I suppose that's what this is, closure. People keep asking me how it feels to have met my son and until yesterday I had a hard time explaining it really. The only thing comparable (and it's a poor comparison) is that feeling you had when you graduated high school. It was a sadness to be leaving your childhood behind and at the same time an excitement to see what the future held.
Our visit went very well (at least I thought so). My son and his family are awesome people and I'm very grateful that he has a happy life. It did hurt to hear that he was never really interested in his bfamily, that was just my ego though. As much as I wanted him to be happy and well adjusted, a part of me wanted him to miss me too. It's hard to be honest about that because it's so damn selfish.
DH and I were tallking on the trip home and he was asking how it felt to have it over with. I thought about it for a minute and said "I have no more if only's left". For a good bit of my life I sat back and said to myself "Once I meet my adad, I'll be o.k." Then I met him and we got to know each other and it turned into "Once I meet my bparents, I'll be o.k." met them and got to know them. Then it was once I get married, once I have kids, once I meet my son..........well guess what? All of those things have happened and I'm still the same person (pretty much) that I was. I was a good person the whole time thinking I was bad and that all these if only's would somehow make me o.k.
I am o.k. today. I absolutely cherish my children and feel so honored to be their mom. I am married to my best friend who promised me that life would never be boring with him, and he was right..........LOL
I have wonderful friends who support me, I have a program of recovery which allows me to stay sober and help others at the same time. I have a God of my own understanding today that isn't standing over my head with a baseball bat anymore. Today my God is chillin under a huge live oak with a cold glass of lemonade in hand.........:-)
So today I have closure, or at least as much closure as I need. I wait to be an active participant in life not just an observor. I want to make a difference in the lives of others, and today I can do that.
Maybe it is time I start that book, the one thing holding me back was my last "if only" and that was meeting my son.