Expectations

I posted this on a thread and wanted to transfer it over here to my blog because it's so applicable to where I am today and I want to be reminded of this everyday.

"Expectations are premeditated resentments. When I set myself up with certain expectation of anothers behavior then I'm opening the door for resentment.

In my own situation I'm literally weeks away from possibly meeting my first born. I'm definately meeting his parents and he may choose to come as well. My natural instinct is to assume that I'm not worthy (or up to par) with these people. They were the ones who were capable to parent at a time i was not. That's a really sucky feeling to have.

But the part of me that feels that way is the old me, and I don't have to listen to that voice anymore. All I have to do is be myself and trust in the God of my understandig to work things out the way they are suppose to happen. I have no idea what the outcome may be, and honestly in the grand scheme of things it's none of my business.

I believe in a higher purpose and plan. If I am meant for some type of relationship with these people then it will develop naturally with no effort on my part. Just being me is enough. By eliminating the expectations of myself AND of them I open myself up to a greater purpose. And maybe that purpose won't be revealed until years down the road, but it is enough for me to know that there is a purpose.

I'm grateful that today I am willing to open myself up to the possibilities of life. Sometimes that means getting hurt, but even the hurts can be needed lessons if I'm willing to look for the higher purpose in them.

I believe for me, keeping my expectations low is part of setting healthy boundaries. "

Today It Hit Me

So today was a challanging day. At first I thought I was just overwhelmed because the kids had an off day and there were a lot of "go to your room" moments, along with DH working late which made me late for my meeting tonight. Then driving home, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers (certainly not sappy music at all) I just teared up for no reason.

The anxiety I've been feeling is unworthiness. I do not feel worthy enough to meet my firstborn. And I don't even know if it's going to happen, right now it's just a posibility. That young girl that I was popped her little head up today and felt sad for what could have been but wasn't. As painful as it was, at least I can identify it because you can't change what you can't identify (thank you Dr. Phil)...........LOL

Allowing myself to feel the feelings and then talk to DH about it, I feel like a weight was lifted. This meeting does not have to be full of deep emotional questions and answers. It can be about small everyday life stuff that helps us get to know someone. Looking at this from that place feels a whole lot more comfortable. I want to find out more about them, I don't need to go on about me. And that's what I feared, being asked questions about myself that I'm not ready to answer yet.

The Serenity Prayer

Something that just occured to me after reading some heated discussion about personal responsibility is the Serenity Prayer. A lot of people know the short version but I would like to share the long version here.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying each moment, accepting hardship as the pathway to peace. Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will, that I may be reasonably happy in life, and supremely happy with Him in the next. Amen"

I need to remind myself to read this more often.

The Hand of Fate

SoI get another email from Bret's mom today. Apparantly, they have a beach house on the same island where we are planning to visit next month. She suggested we meet if possible, that Bret may not be able to come but that she and DH would love to meet.

I'm stunned, overjoyed, and very afraid all at the same time. I worry about making a good impression, I worry about not saying anything wrong, I worry that I just won't measure up some how. At least I have this weeks topic for my therapist.............lol

For some reason i never thought it would come this soon. I worry that Bret might not be comfortable with it, his needs are so important to me.

But I do have faith that God didn't bring me this far to drop me on my head. Having faith that all things work out the way they are suppose to is what I'm holding on to right now.

I'll keep ya posted on what happens...........crazy man, it's all so crazy............lol

Just Heard

How funny that I posted a blog about waiting to hear from my sons mom, and then today I get an email from her..........lol

My son is doing well, getting ready to start his second year of college and dating a girl he went to high school with. I'm so grateful that he has a full rich life! He sounds like a really great kid and getting to know him through his mom is such an amazing gift.

I never thought I'd have the chance to know him at all. Being able to look at his pictures and know that he is alive and doing well...............i couldn't ask for more than that.

I just plan to keep on keeping on the way we have and maybe one day we will cross paths. But for today I'm happy that he is happy!

Waiting

I stink at waiting. And yet here I sit waiting to hear back from my sons mom, after three weeks, for a response to my email. His mom sends me forwarded emails every couple of weeks and was the one to initiate direct contact with me. I sent a "hi" email to see how their move went, if they had heard from their oldest son who just enlisted in the Marine Corp, and how Bret's transition home from college went.

A little background:

From what I understand my son enjoyed reading my letters and seeing the pictures that the agency forwarded to them, but he is not ready to contact me directly. At first I was disappointed because I thought it was something I said, I expressed that fear to his mom and she assured me that he is just in a really difficult place right now. Just completed his first year of college and decided it's not for him, wants to move back home and work in construction.

I chuckled at that privately because we own a construction business. He loves to work with his hands and enjoys taking life at a slower pace. He once got a ticket for driving to slow and when his parents asked him about it he replied that he was enjoying the scenery...........lol

I do that and it drives DH crazy!

My son suffered a very bad head injury when he was 15. An ATV flipped over on top of him and the extent of his head injury was so bad no one expected him to pull through it. Coincidentally, at the time this happened i had begun to feel a strong pull toward finding him. I started looking online and really wanted to connect with other people who placed through the agency I placed with. So TLCAA (Tender Loving Care Adoption Agency Search & REunion) was born that year, two months after his accident.

I remember praying for God to just keep Bret in the palm of His hand, and that prayer was certainly answered. He recovered after many months of therapy and only has a slight gate. His short term memory was damaged so taking tests became difficult for him. I have a feeling that it also affected him emotionally, at least what his mom has shared with me leads me to think that.

I imagine that learning about his bfamily has created all kinds of confusing emotions which can only add to the stress of his day to day life. I imagine also that it takes a toll on his mom and dad trying to be supportive of him, trying to maintain that boundary line on his behalf.

Soooooooooo I wait. I wait for the response to the email that said "hi", no deep questions were asked, no deep emotions imparted by me............just a hi how are you?

I hope to hear from her son, until then guess what I get to do?



Yep.............wait...........lol.............it's all good..............:-)

My Bmom

There is a bmom on the adoption board that sounds so much like my bmom and I've finally figured out why she triggers me so much. She is very much into "her healing" and "her needs" and what she can and can not face. My bmom was like that.

She fet so much grief and shame over placing me and tried to make up for it once we reunited. Of coarse you can never be "mom" after 27 years but she tried and I let her because i really wanted a mom. The first five years were great because we were several hundred miles apart and only saw each other a couple of times a year. We talked on the phone a lot but it's hard to really know someone just through phone conversations.

After about 5 years into it m DH and I had an opportunity to move to her city for a job opprotunity. We moved four blocks away from her. That was a huge mistake!

We were way to tied up into each others lives and neither one of us knew how to untangle from it. After six months of stress I told DH I wanted to move back to our hometown and we did. The night before I left bmom pretended everything was fine, came over to say good bye. After a perfectly normal 30 minute conversation I told her we would call her when we got back home. Her response was "You might want to think about that" which floored me. She then went on to tell me that she had to take care of herself and that she had given me all that she could. So I said o.k. and asked her to leave.

She not only walked out of my life for a second time, but she walked out on my kids who loved her. She could not overcome her grief, her pain. Just the fact that she saw me on a regular basis was enough to send her over the edge.

It all started to make sense after that. Throughout our relationship I had to constantly tell her that I understood why she placed me and no I did not hate her and yes I loved her very much, etc.

It was a lot of work to maintain that, I wanted to but it was hard. So in a weird kind of way I'm glad it ended. At least we can both be at peace now.

Writing about this stuff is making me pissed again, it's the abandonment, the wondering what the hell is wrong with me....................I suppose that never really goes away.

To top it all off, I am a birthmom. I understand her feelings of shame, I felt them myself. The difference for me was I never hid my child from the world, I celebrated him. Even though it was a closed adoption I did have baby pictures of him that I showed anyone who wanted to see. I never kept the secret, and like they say you are only as sick as the secrets that you keep.

Withdrawel

Can't get on to Soul of Adoption...............having serious withdrawel now!

I still am baffled by some people who just insist that their way is the best way and they try and drive that point into your brain so hard that you just want to shake them senseless!

I can totally accept that each person touched by adoption has their very own story to tell. Each person had their own stumbling points and mountain tops to traverse. No one can tell someone else "How you feel is wrong or How you got there is wrong".

Are there some people in denial? Yes. Can you convince them that they are in denial? Probably not.

All I can hope for is that by sharing my experience with others, maybe a little light will break through the darkness.

No place Like Home

I've spent the last year or so visiting two different adoption based websites. The first one was heavily moderated and discriminated against people who did not agree with the religious views of the owner. So a wonderul woman took it upon herself to start a new site where all people were welcome and moderation is kept to a minimum.

I love and hate this site at the same time. I love the woderful people who are genuine and supporting of each other, but often that is clouded by angry people who just want to stir up shit for the sake of stiring up shit.

Of coarse I'm not a pollyanna who thinks that everyone should just get a long etc..... But damn it sucks being in the minority. I have experienced two sides of the adoption triad. I am an adoptee and a birthmother. There are times when the two sides are at odds with each other.

There are times when I just don't like the fact that I was adopted. I experienced what most would call a "bad" adoption. My parents were ill equiped to raise a child and had not thought things through completely before adopting me. I get that, I really do. I'm not mad at them like I used to be, I'm mad at the system that allows this to happen. I'm mad at agencies that do everything they can to obtain their product which is a child.