It's harder to be an adoptee

So I'm writing this post 8 months later than the previous post. I posted today on SoA that being an adoptee was harder than being a birth mother. I had completely forgotten about my previous blog post until someone PM'd me asking about it.

It is very Sybilish of me isn't it?

The best explanation I have for how I feel is that recently I've made peace with my position as a birth mother. I gained a level of acceptance that I didn't have before. On the flip side, I have been paying more attention to my own issues as an adoptee. Everything I read about adoption, I read with the eyes of an adoptee. On forums people read what I write and look at me as a birth mother. My status as an adoptee is ignored. Maybe because I've ignored it myself for to long.

I dunno........both sides suck........each in their own way.

It's harder to be a birthmother

So I've been thinking about my experience as an adoptee as compared to my experince as a birthmother. Looking back over it all it has really become apparant to me that being a birthmother has been a more difficult experience. I don't know exactly why, the feelings are more intense as a birthmother as opposed to being an adoptee.

I felt a strong connection to my bparents, but a MUCH stronger connection to my birthchild. I suppose it's that magical thing that happens when you carry a child. Maybe not everyone feels this way but I sure do. I know I'm not my sons mother but I feel like his mother and can never express that to him. It would push him away even more so, he is already very timid about reunion as it is. And it's not like I want to be mom to him, but I can't help but feel motherly toward him. I dunno if that makes any sense, I would never even think about trying to insert myself into that role. He has a great mom already.

I carry this alone, it will be within me to the day I die and since I can never tell him that I tell you the annoymous reader. I love my son to depth of my being, always have and always will.

Other Issues

So I've begun to work on other issues from childhood. The abuse stuff is coming up large right now, not exactly sure why but I've learned over the years that there isn't really a rhyme or reason to it.

What's really apparant to me right now is how much of me is tied into the abuse stuff. I've always been a very agreeable person. I'm the person in the crowd who when asked what they want to do or what they think, ususally says "I don't know". It's gotten MUCH better over the years but it still comes up. I think it's because in order to be safe I had to be agreeable. Avoiding being me gave me a place in my mind to go when the abuse was happening. While a needed and valid tool to use at the time, it tends to get in the way a lot as an adult.

So I'm working on speaking up more and really delving into how I feel and think about things. I've never spent this much time contemplating "me". LOL

Hopefully, in time I will work through this stuff like I've worked through my adoption stuff. Although I'm sure there is still more stuff there as well, it's just not as big as it used to be.

It's really sad that people are abused. I asked my counselor one day why he thought it happened and he answered "Extreme Selfishness". I think he's right, but what's even scarier is that we now live in a society where that is a trait that is valued highly. Only we call it ambition.

Closure

I suppose that's what this is, closure. People keep asking me how it feels to have met my son and until yesterday I had a hard time explaining it really. The only thing comparable (and it's a poor comparison) is that feeling you had when you graduated high school. It was a sadness to be leaving your childhood behind and at the same time an excitement to see what the future held.

Our visit went very well (at least I thought so). My son and his family are awesome people and I'm very grateful that he has a happy life. It did hurt to hear that he was never really interested in his bfamily, that was just my ego though. As much as I wanted him to be happy and well adjusted, a part of me wanted him to miss me too. It's hard to be honest about that because it's so damn selfish.

DH and I were tallking on the trip home and he was asking how it felt to have it over with. I thought about it for a minute and said "I have no more if only's left". For a good bit of my life I sat back and said to myself "Once I meet my adad, I'll be o.k." Then I met him and we got to know each other and it turned into "Once I meet my bparents, I'll be o.k." met them and got to know them. Then it was once I get married, once I have kids, once I meet my son..........well guess what? All of those things have happened and I'm still the same person (pretty much) that I was. I was a good person the whole time thinking I was bad and that all these if only's would somehow make me o.k.

I am o.k. today. I absolutely cherish my children and feel so honored to be their mom. I am married to my best friend who promised me that life would never be boring with him, and he was right..........LOL

I have wonderful friends who support me, I have a program of recovery which allows me to stay sober and help others at the same time. I have a God of my own understanding today that isn't standing over my head with a baseball bat anymore. Today my God is chillin under a huge live oak with a cold glass of lemonade in hand.........:-)

So today I have closure, or at least as much closure as I need. I wait to be an active participant in life not just an observor. I want to make a difference in the lives of others, and today I can do that.

Maybe it is time I start that book, the one thing holding me back was my last "if only" and that was meeting my son.

Compassion or lack thereof

It's a dying breed that will have compassion for a person in need without judging them for having that need. Whatever your politics/beliefs are there should be a core understanding that when someone says they are hurting that we will stop and offer that person help.

The other day a dear friend of mine told me how she saw an accident on the freeway where a guy on a motorcycle got clipped in the back tire by a woman who didn't stop. I sent him spinning out of control and he crashed right in front of my friend. She stopeed to help him and she said she was so amazed that there were cars whizzing past this guys head just inches away from him. Only one other person stopped to help this man lying in the middle of the interstate and luckily he had a tow truck where he could block two lanes off to protect this guy until help arrived.

It's very apparant to me who the speeders on SoA are. They drive by the injured without a care in the world and when someone does try and point that out they claim justification "Well the guy shouldn't have been riding a motorcycle in the first place".

How can anyone say that kind of thinking is healthy or right for the betterment of mankind?

Done with SOA

I've spent many years working on the issues surrounding my childhood. I encountered today something that I find so vile and repulsive that I'm physically shaking and feel like vomiting.

Supporting a person who would use vile images of children to make a point, to prove himself right is just beyond wrong to me. Doing it in spite of adults who were once said abused children saying how much his words were hurtful, OMG beyond wrong.

So to anyone from there that reads my blog, I'm done with SoA. I will not have part of any place that has people like that on it. How can anyone think that's o.k.? And this person had scores of supporters and the abused children were attacking him? OMG how fucked up is that?

My adoption journey is done. I've met my bfamily, I've met my son. Time to move on and enjoy the beautiful life I have today.

Amendment to Blahhhhhh

Just wanted to say that I do not think all adoptees or all aparents show contempt for bmothers. I'm not going to name names and that is why I use the term "group". I am using that term to refer to about 4-6 people that no matter how you phrase something they feel the need to pick it apart.

If you are insulted by my previous entry I apologize.

Blahhhhhhh

That's how I feel today. Trying to kick this cold and take care of the kids and function on 3 hours sleep a night. It's wearing on me to say the least.


So I make a comment on a thread today that pisses someone off. Whatever, I'm really tired of defending every little thing I say on boards. No matter what I say someone somewhere will feel the need to prove me wrong, take offense at what I say, or use information about my personal life to draw me out. Well I'm not going to bite on that one.

Yes I feel that there is a "group" of adoptive parents and a "group" of adoptees that have it in for bmothers. You try and hide it well but your contempt seeps through your posts. You hold up the "examples" form your personal life as "proof" that your point of view is right and others are wrong. What I find kinda funny is that you assume those people in your life are being honest with you.

You would be amazed at what people think in their minds but dare not speak to others for fear of being judged or rejected. So the bmom of your kid feels.............. Well how do you know that? She has told you? Well if she told you what really went through her mind sometimes wouldn't that scare you off? How many times have you kept what you REALLY thought to yourself for fear of alienating someone else?

It's all relative isn't it?