Closure

I suppose that's what this is, closure. People keep asking me how it feels to have met my son and until yesterday I had a hard time explaining it really. The only thing comparable (and it's a poor comparison) is that feeling you had when you graduated high school. It was a sadness to be leaving your childhood behind and at the same time an excitement to see what the future held.

Our visit went very well (at least I thought so). My son and his family are awesome people and I'm very grateful that he has a happy life. It did hurt to hear that he was never really interested in his bfamily, that was just my ego though. As much as I wanted him to be happy and well adjusted, a part of me wanted him to miss me too. It's hard to be honest about that because it's so damn selfish.

DH and I were tallking on the trip home and he was asking how it felt to have it over with. I thought about it for a minute and said "I have no more if only's left". For a good bit of my life I sat back and said to myself "Once I meet my adad, I'll be o.k." Then I met him and we got to know each other and it turned into "Once I meet my bparents, I'll be o.k." met them and got to know them. Then it was once I get married, once I have kids, once I meet my son..........well guess what? All of those things have happened and I'm still the same person (pretty much) that I was. I was a good person the whole time thinking I was bad and that all these if only's would somehow make me o.k.

I am o.k. today. I absolutely cherish my children and feel so honored to be their mom. I am married to my best friend who promised me that life would never be boring with him, and he was right..........LOL

I have wonderful friends who support me, I have a program of recovery which allows me to stay sober and help others at the same time. I have a God of my own understanding today that isn't standing over my head with a baseball bat anymore. Today my God is chillin under a huge live oak with a cold glass of lemonade in hand.........:-)

So today I have closure, or at least as much closure as I need. I wait to be an active participant in life not just an observor. I want to make a difference in the lives of others, and today I can do that.

Maybe it is time I start that book, the one thing holding me back was my last "if only" and that was meeting my son.

Compassion or lack thereof

It's a dying breed that will have compassion for a person in need without judging them for having that need. Whatever your politics/beliefs are there should be a core understanding that when someone says they are hurting that we will stop and offer that person help.

The other day a dear friend of mine told me how she saw an accident on the freeway where a guy on a motorcycle got clipped in the back tire by a woman who didn't stop. I sent him spinning out of control and he crashed right in front of my friend. She stopeed to help him and she said she was so amazed that there were cars whizzing past this guys head just inches away from him. Only one other person stopped to help this man lying in the middle of the interstate and luckily he had a tow truck where he could block two lanes off to protect this guy until help arrived.

It's very apparant to me who the speeders on SoA are. They drive by the injured without a care in the world and when someone does try and point that out they claim justification "Well the guy shouldn't have been riding a motorcycle in the first place".

How can anyone say that kind of thinking is healthy or right for the betterment of mankind?

Done with SOA

I've spent many years working on the issues surrounding my childhood. I encountered today something that I find so vile and repulsive that I'm physically shaking and feel like vomiting.

Supporting a person who would use vile images of children to make a point, to prove himself right is just beyond wrong to me. Doing it in spite of adults who were once said abused children saying how much his words were hurtful, OMG beyond wrong.

So to anyone from there that reads my blog, I'm done with SoA. I will not have part of any place that has people like that on it. How can anyone think that's o.k.? And this person had scores of supporters and the abused children were attacking him? OMG how fucked up is that?

My adoption journey is done. I've met my bfamily, I've met my son. Time to move on and enjoy the beautiful life I have today.

Amendment to Blahhhhhh

Just wanted to say that I do not think all adoptees or all aparents show contempt for bmothers. I'm not going to name names and that is why I use the term "group". I am using that term to refer to about 4-6 people that no matter how you phrase something they feel the need to pick it apart.

If you are insulted by my previous entry I apologize.

Blahhhhhhh

That's how I feel today. Trying to kick this cold and take care of the kids and function on 3 hours sleep a night. It's wearing on me to say the least.


So I make a comment on a thread today that pisses someone off. Whatever, I'm really tired of defending every little thing I say on boards. No matter what I say someone somewhere will feel the need to prove me wrong, take offense at what I say, or use information about my personal life to draw me out. Well I'm not going to bite on that one.

Yes I feel that there is a "group" of adoptive parents and a "group" of adoptees that have it in for bmothers. You try and hide it well but your contempt seeps through your posts. You hold up the "examples" form your personal life as "proof" that your point of view is right and others are wrong. What I find kinda funny is that you assume those people in your life are being honest with you.

You would be amazed at what people think in their minds but dare not speak to others for fear of being judged or rejected. So the bmom of your kid feels.............. Well how do you know that? She has told you? Well if she told you what really went through her mind sometimes wouldn't that scare you off? How many times have you kept what you REALLY thought to yourself for fear of alienating someone else?

It's all relative isn't it?

T minus one week and counting!!!

So one week from today I will be at the beach meeting my sons parents for the first time! My son is still not sure if he wants to come, but he hasn't said no yet so that's a good thing. It will be nice to meet the people I've wondered about all these years. Wish me luck!

Having the last word

I hate it when people feel like they have to be right no matter what. Just because they see things one way anyone who sees it differently is automatically the enemy. And when someone from the other side try's to share their experience the attacks commence.

I am starting to believe that it is impossible to get real support on an adoption site that has all sides of the triad. There will always be one person who will start shit, then that persons friends will rally around them and it goes on and on and on.

Putting them on ignore hardly works because then other people start getting involved with it and you can't ignore everyone, especially when they quote said person you have on ignore. (sigh)

It all seems kinda pointless.