It's harder to be a birthmother

So I've been thinking about my experience as an adoptee as compared to my experince as a birthmother. Looking back over it all it has really become apparant to me that being a birthmother has been a more difficult experience. I don't know exactly why, the feelings are more intense as a birthmother as opposed to being an adoptee.

I felt a strong connection to my bparents, but a MUCH stronger connection to my birthchild. I suppose it's that magical thing that happens when you carry a child. Maybe not everyone feels this way but I sure do. I know I'm not my sons mother but I feel like his mother and can never express that to him. It would push him away even more so, he is already very timid about reunion as it is. And it's not like I want to be mom to him, but I can't help but feel motherly toward him. I dunno if that makes any sense, I would never even think about trying to insert myself into that role. He has a great mom already.

I carry this alone, it will be within me to the day I die and since I can never tell him that I tell you the annoymous reader. I love my son to depth of my being, always have and always will.

Other Issues

So I've begun to work on other issues from childhood. The abuse stuff is coming up large right now, not exactly sure why but I've learned over the years that there isn't really a rhyme or reason to it.

What's really apparant to me right now is how much of me is tied into the abuse stuff. I've always been a very agreeable person. I'm the person in the crowd who when asked what they want to do or what they think, ususally says "I don't know". It's gotten MUCH better over the years but it still comes up. I think it's because in order to be safe I had to be agreeable. Avoiding being me gave me a place in my mind to go when the abuse was happening. While a needed and valid tool to use at the time, it tends to get in the way a lot as an adult.

So I'm working on speaking up more and really delving into how I feel and think about things. I've never spent this much time contemplating "me". LOL

Hopefully, in time I will work through this stuff like I've worked through my adoption stuff. Although I'm sure there is still more stuff there as well, it's just not as big as it used to be.

It's really sad that people are abused. I asked my counselor one day why he thought it happened and he answered "Extreme Selfishness". I think he's right, but what's even scarier is that we now live in a society where that is a trait that is valued highly. Only we call it ambition.