No Place Like Home

Random musings on adoption, recovery, and life on life's terms. Enjoy!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Today It Hit Me

So today was a challanging day. At first I thought I was just overwhelmed because the kids had an off day and there were a lot of "go to your room" moments, along with DH working late which made me late for my meeting tonight. Then driving home, listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers (certainly not sappy music at all) I just teared up for no reason.

The anxiety I've been feeling is unworthiness. I do not feel worthy enough to meet my firstborn. And I don't even know if it's going to happen, right now it's just a posibility. That young girl that I was popped her little head up today and felt sad for what could have been but wasn't. As painful as it was, at least I can identify it because you can't change what you can't identify (thank you Dr. Phil)...........LOL

Allowing myself to feel the feelings and then talk to DH about it, I feel like a weight was lifted. This meeting does not have to be full of deep emotional questions and answers. It can be about small everyday life stuff that helps us get to know someone. Looking at this from that place feels a whole lot more comfortable. I want to find out more about them, I don't need to go on about me. And that's what I feared, being asked questions about myself that I'm not ready to answer yet.


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